No joke. It's hilarious, because I probably could have nipped it in the bud 4 years ago, and chose not to. I figured at the time that I didn't have any problems that I couldn't deal with. I was only thinking about having to move past my father's death, which wasn't even the real problem. Looking back, obviously the problems were a little deeper, considering that one of the first visits to the therapist was also the first time I ever cut myself.
So, my depression likes to manifest itself in new ways and ruin my life over and over again. As if my life was so great before. Today, I flipped out at my grandmother. I got pissed because she went in my room, and then I tried to cool off but she was still in my face so I closed the door in hers. This INFURIATED her. It started a screaming match and no one won. I got grounded to my room for a day. Oh, wait, no. I got grounded FROM my room. Total bullshit, right? I cried for way too long, but I can't say any of the things that I really need to. No one really wants to hear it anyway. I end up just saying stupid things that are so vague that they're untrue.
One of these things is that I hate my grandmother. This is untrue, but that does not mean that I do not have A LOT of problems with her. Therefore, I cannot tell her that I don't hate her to make her feel better, because that would also be untrue. She cried. I don't like making people upset, but what else am I supposed to say?
I'm pretty much nothing but a fuck-up. I really don't know what I can do to fix this because everything I do ends up wrong. I'm also extremely forgettable. My friends forget about me all the time. I tend to wonder what they would really lose should I not be in their lives. Abbie has Shawn. John has all of his other friends, and lovers. Karinda actually talks to me, and I have gotten her to divulge information she probably never would have. I think she might be as close as she ever can be to feeling like she can tell me things. I think I have helped her. But, I don't think it would HURT her to not be around anymore. I mean, it's not like she needs me or she won't have anyone to talk to because she doesn't really talk to me either. Me not being around won't undo the good I've done for her. She doesn't need me. No one does. Only a few people want me, either.
Ugh, my brain and heart work together to tear me down. My heart tells me that I deserve things, both good and bad, and then my brain reminds me that I'll never get the good things because of who and how and I am, and that the bad things are, of course, what I deserve. And no one sees how desperately broken I am; how much I need help. No one's ever tried to save me. I mention suicide or how unhappy I am, and people laugh it off. What if I did it? They'd have no right to be shocked because I'm obviously not happy. I don't want to do it out of spite, though. I don't want to do it to force them to pay attention to me, or to make them feel guilty. I will only do it because I can't stand life anymore, and it will be no one's fault, but rather my final decision. I will not fail at it either, because my family has spent too much time vilifying my mother for failing at it. To them, a suicide attempt is rashly demanding attention and pity. I won't let them think that of me. It's not fair, I wish this was easier.
I want to break out of this horrible pit of despair, but I don't see a way out. All I see is me being this way forever until the day that I can't do it anymore and commit suicide. Is this how all depressed people feel? I want so badly to believe that God exists and that He cares about me, but believing that feels like setting myself up for disappointment. I want to believe that love is real and that it could happen to me, but what proof do I have of this? I continue to fall apart on a daily basis. I need help. I'm begging for it.
Tuesday
Wednesday
This is the most intense dream I've ever had.
The person representing me (who we'll call me) was in a house with my "mom" and "sister". Some guy started showing up at our door a lot, asking for our mother. She told him to go away, that she wasn't interested in him, but he kept coming. Then he started showing up in our house. My mom told me that the next time it happened, I should just back away as fast as I could and just don't go close to him. The stalker wanted my mom, but every time I'd back away, he'd walk closer. It was terrifying because he was following ME. Then, I just turned around and started running, and I was trying to find a place to hide and every door I would open, he'd already be there. Finally, I found this small cupboard under the air conditioner to hide in.
I stayed there for a bit when suddenly the door opened. It was a girl. (Somehow, I was in the man's house at this point, but I don't know when that switch happened.) She was younger than the man, but she was still an adult. She was maybe around like 20. She told me not to worry because she knew what was happening, because she had seen it all before. The man turned out to be her brother, and he wasn't even really the one stalking my mom, it was actually her dad making him do it. She told me the story of her family, of how her younger brother, about my age, had been abused by their father and how the older one always did what he wanted and how she just tried to keep her head down. Then she helped me hide someplace better.
Then, my sister started getting followed. The man said that it was because he knew that the best way to get at my mom would be to mess with her kids. He was right, because she got really pissed and rallied the whole neighborhood against him. He was thwarted.
I started hanging out with the girl more. I went over to their house sometimes to get her and I started getting to know her younger brother a bit too. He rarely talked, though. Every time I'd be at their house, her dad would just stare at me. He never said a word, and never even seemed to really move much. He would just sit in his chair, watching me. Then, one day, I actually saw him hit the younger brother. It was really intense because he just said hi to me and then the father just jumped up and hit him really hard three times and then just sat back down, calm as ever. He didn't make a single sound, and the younger brother was left lying on the floor in front of me.
I asked the girl, his sister, about going to the police, but she was adamant about the fact that there was nothing we could do. We went to the store where my sister worked to take her out to lunch, and I saw him at the next register over. I didn't dare to go over and talk to him. I didn't know what I'd say after what I witnessed. So we took my sister out to lunch, and I was trying to ask the girl about telling someone the problem again, and she kept saying no. My sister got really confused and wanted to know what was going on, and finally, the girl broke down and told the whole story. She seemed liberated afterward, and as we were walking out of the restaurant, we stepped onto a stage. There was a huge crowd in front of us. We were meant to tell the story to everyone. The girl still had a few reserves because she said I didn't know everything. She finally explained to me that it had never been about my mom. It had always been about trying to get me, and that her dad would give anything to have me. She said the only reason he hadn't done anything the many times I'd been to her house was because her younger brother had stood up for me to her dad every time he'd tried to plan my demise. She admitted that he liked me. So we stepped out onto the stage and told the story, and afterward there was a big thing like at church where people could come up and ask to get saved or ask to have someone pray for them, and it also involved people telling their own secrets. Some of my friends went down to do it, which was beautiful, because some of them had NEVER told ANYONE their secrets. There was a big baptizing sort of tank of water in front of the stage, and the older brother and the girl and a few other people stepped into it which was really good too, because it showed that they realized they had done horrible things in their lives. The only one who turned away was the father, who turned right into the arms of the police for child abuse.
So that was the end of the good part. (There was a whole side story after that about how I got a part in an Oomie Zoomie movie, but whatever.) I got the guy, who was really cute and sweet and damaged, just the way I like them. I got a good friend in the girl. And everyone was dealt with.
Honestly, the only reason I'm putting the dream here, is because I don't want to forget it... It was so... detailed.
I stayed there for a bit when suddenly the door opened. It was a girl. (Somehow, I was in the man's house at this point, but I don't know when that switch happened.) She was younger than the man, but she was still an adult. She was maybe around like 20. She told me not to worry because she knew what was happening, because she had seen it all before. The man turned out to be her brother, and he wasn't even really the one stalking my mom, it was actually her dad making him do it. She told me the story of her family, of how her younger brother, about my age, had been abused by their father and how the older one always did what he wanted and how she just tried to keep her head down. Then she helped me hide someplace better.
Then, my sister started getting followed. The man said that it was because he knew that the best way to get at my mom would be to mess with her kids. He was right, because she got really pissed and rallied the whole neighborhood against him. He was thwarted.
I started hanging out with the girl more. I went over to their house sometimes to get her and I started getting to know her younger brother a bit too. He rarely talked, though. Every time I'd be at their house, her dad would just stare at me. He never said a word, and never even seemed to really move much. He would just sit in his chair, watching me. Then, one day, I actually saw him hit the younger brother. It was really intense because he just said hi to me and then the father just jumped up and hit him really hard three times and then just sat back down, calm as ever. He didn't make a single sound, and the younger brother was left lying on the floor in front of me.
I asked the girl, his sister, about going to the police, but she was adamant about the fact that there was nothing we could do. We went to the store where my sister worked to take her out to lunch, and I saw him at the next register over. I didn't dare to go over and talk to him. I didn't know what I'd say after what I witnessed. So we took my sister out to lunch, and I was trying to ask the girl about telling someone the problem again, and she kept saying no. My sister got really confused and wanted to know what was going on, and finally, the girl broke down and told the whole story. She seemed liberated afterward, and as we were walking out of the restaurant, we stepped onto a stage. There was a huge crowd in front of us. We were meant to tell the story to everyone. The girl still had a few reserves because she said I didn't know everything. She finally explained to me that it had never been about my mom. It had always been about trying to get me, and that her dad would give anything to have me. She said the only reason he hadn't done anything the many times I'd been to her house was because her younger brother had stood up for me to her dad every time he'd tried to plan my demise. She admitted that he liked me. So we stepped out onto the stage and told the story, and afterward there was a big thing like at church where people could come up and ask to get saved or ask to have someone pray for them, and it also involved people telling their own secrets. Some of my friends went down to do it, which was beautiful, because some of them had NEVER told ANYONE their secrets. There was a big baptizing sort of tank of water in front of the stage, and the older brother and the girl and a few other people stepped into it which was really good too, because it showed that they realized they had done horrible things in their lives. The only one who turned away was the father, who turned right into the arms of the police for child abuse.
So that was the end of the good part. (There was a whole side story after that about how I got a part in an Oomie Zoomie movie, but whatever.) I got the guy, who was really cute and sweet and damaged, just the way I like them. I got a good friend in the girl. And everyone was dealt with.
Honestly, the only reason I'm putting the dream here, is because I don't want to forget it... It was so... detailed.
Tuesday
I am so worthless.
Who am I to feel entitled to be loved? What right do I have to think I deserve anything?
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