So, what's been up?

I'll tell you, love.

It's been a rather long time since I really told you what's up.
The last time we spoke, I was telling you about how I'd missed another day of school.

Well, the week progressed and it was kind of okay. If I remember correctly, the Wednesday after that absence, I took my PSATs again (not because I failed, but because my school offers it for free to sophomores and juniors, so I did it both years). They went well. I really feel like I did a good job, but of course, you can't have any guarantees with that sort of test. I do know at least one problem that I got right and most people got wrong, though. I can't wait for my test scores in December.

Then, on Saturday, my best friend Abbie, her boyfriend, and I went to this haunted house carnival thing* and had a great time. We didn't really do much but watch the freak shows and talk, but it was still pretty great. The freak shows, by the way, were DISGUSTING. The first one we saw had this chick snort a condom and then pull it out of her mouth, and then this guy licked it and then swallowed it and blew it out of his nose. It was really really gross. Then later, the same guy stuck this tube through his nose into his stomach and poured all this shit into it: 5 hour energy, coffee, monster, sobe, pepto bismol... all sorts of things. Then he stuck another tube into his stomach and sucked it all back out, which was subsequently served to all the other 'freaks,' who drank it like shots. I thought I might barf. They finished the night by the very same guy swallowing a sword with this bar attatched to it in a perpendicular way and attatched 80-something pounds of weight to it.

Then I missed another Monday, because I'm a fucking failure.

The week was all Honor Choir after that. We met the guest conductor, who was amazing, and had our concert on Thursday. I think it went well. If I get videos and shit of it, I'll post links.

School-wise, this week I also had an essay for AP English, a Calculus test, and my notebook to turn in for Biotechnology. I think the essay was okay, I got an 82 on the test, and I lost my notebook.

Because of that last fact, I have a very very low F in Biotechnology I. I don't even think it's one that I can bring up. I don't even want to tell you because it's so bad. Do you want to know what this means? I'm going to be put onto academic probation. Academic probation is when your grades are substandard, so they tell you that you have one semester to fix them or you won't be allowed to be at that school anymore. If that happens, honestly, suicide will be my only option.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing left. I only have a few friends anymore because I don't feel like trying to be happy all the time, my grades have gone completely down the toilet, my heart feels empty and distended... I'm so shattered and no one sees it.

What a week!!

I've been MIA for a few days.
Sorry 'bout that.

I just... I didn't have time and I need/appreciate sleep. I really don't have time now either, but I feel bad for not saying anything at all.

All this week I've  had Honor Choir. The concert is tomorrow, and practices have been intense. I've had to build my whole week around them, and it's really beginning to bother me.

*sigh* Almost over.

If I have time soon, I'll let you know how the last week went in more detail.

Caio! <3

Hmm... Wow. I'm an emo little bitch!

Okay, not really. And it's not really something I should say either because some people do have problems with depression (and I used to as well), and it's really messed up to belittle their problems and put them down.
You know, people always do that. "She just cuts for attention, she doesn't really want to kill herself." Is that really a chance you want to take? And what's so wrong about giving someone a little bit of attention? Just showing you care and you want to help and be there for them is often times all they want and need in a certain situation. All listening takes is a little bit of your time and compassion.

Anyway, that's not the point. Today has been, blah. I had a fairly nice day... I didn't go to school, which is not okay. I sleep really deeply and even though I'll wake up and stir, I won't actually be concious for several seconds. The effect this makes is that I'll be woken up either by a person or my alarm clock and never actually get up. If it's a person, I can even say something to placate them and they'll think I'm up, but I won't ever remember it when I eventually do really regain my conciousness. If it's an alarm clock, I push snooze and never remember it. I tried to fix this by putting my alarm clock across the room, and it worked for awhile, but I'm starting to do it again. I'm going to have to hide it or something, I guess.
So basically, I slept through my alarm and didn't do any of my homework, so I stayed home.
The problem with this is that this is my THIRD ABSENCE THIS YEAR, already! Oh wait, technically my fourth absence from calculus because I got out early to go to a choir audition. It is really unacceptable that I miss this school because I am going to be missing another several classes soon for Honor Choir (which was what the audition was for, and obviously I got in... But that's another story.)
And you want to know the worst part? I STILL haven't done my homework and stuff.

Therefore, all day I've been racked with this horrible guilt because my grades are going down and no one knows about it, and I'm still not doing anything to fix it. Everyone still assumes that I have all As or As and Bs, except for my friends who, I think, assume that I'll be able to fix it and I'm just overreacting when I say "I'm failing," like many of them do. It's easy to say "I'm failing" when you have a B if that's not okay with you that you have less than an A... but I actually have a D in one class, a C in another two, and an F in another. I'm completely capable of getting all As if I just put in the work.

God, I hate myself. Seeing my mistakes and failures here in writing is making it feel more horrible than it is. Why can't I just do what I need to do without putting it off?

"Like a virgin, touched for the very first time."

     Yea... I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now, but oh well. I really just wanted to say something to start this blog off on a good note.
Or a bad one?
     Hello, people of the internet! Whether you have just happened to stumble onto this page, or you actually care what I have to say, I've got some good news for you. I am here on display for your perusal. That is, I'm going to say whatever the hell I want, and you can judge however you see fit. And, best of all, I think, you can tell me what those judgments are!
     Honestly, I'd like to hear it. So what if it bruises my ego a bit? I'd much rather have honesty than anything else.
    So here we are, to the crux of the matter. I'm here because I need somewhere to pretend like people care what I think. When I speak to family (and I'm sure many of you understand this situation), they initially act interested, and then their eyes glaze over and they stop actually listening. Oh well. Whatever else my reasons are, I'm available now.

Now, since we've gotten through that lengthy introduction, I bid you ado.