Okay, not really. And it's not really something I should say either because some people do have problems with depression (and I used to as well), and it's really messed up to belittle their problems and put them down.
You know, people always do that. "She just cuts for attention, she doesn't really want to kill herself." Is that really a chance you want to take? And what's so wrong about giving someone a little bit of attention? Just showing you care and you want to help and be there for them is often times all they want and need in a certain situation. All listening takes is a little bit of your time and compassion.
Anyway, that's not the point. Today has been, blah. I had a fairly nice day... I didn't go to school, which is not okay. I sleep really deeply and even though I'll wake up and stir, I won't actually be concious for several seconds. The effect this makes is that I'll be woken up either by a person or my alarm clock and never actually get up. If it's a person, I can even say something to placate them and they'll think I'm up, but I won't ever remember it when I eventually do really regain my conciousness. If it's an alarm clock, I push snooze and never remember it. I tried to fix this by putting my alarm clock across the room, and it worked for awhile, but I'm starting to do it again. I'm going to have to hide it or something, I guess.
So basically, I slept through my alarm and didn't do any of my homework, so I stayed home.
The problem with this is that this is my THIRD ABSENCE THIS YEAR, already! Oh wait, technically my fourth absence from calculus because I got out early to go to a choir audition. It is really unacceptable that I miss this school because I am going to be missing another several classes soon for Honor Choir (which was what the audition was for, and obviously I got in... But that's another story.)
And you want to know the worst part? I STILL haven't done my homework and stuff.
Therefore, all day I've been racked with this horrible guilt because my grades are going down and no one knows about it, and I'm still not doing anything to fix it. Everyone still assumes that I have all As or As and Bs, except for my friends who, I think, assume that I'll be able to fix it and I'm just overreacting when I say "I'm failing," like many of them do. It's easy to say "I'm failing" when you have a B if that's not okay with you that you have less than an A... but I actually have a D in one class, a C in another two, and an F in another. I'm completely capable of getting all As if I just put in the work.
God, I hate myself. Seeing my mistakes and failures here in writing is making it feel more horrible than it is. Why can't I just do what I need to do without putting it off?
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