This is the most intense dream I've ever had.

     The person representing me (who we'll call me) was in a house with my "mom" and "sister". Some guy started showing up at our door a lot, asking for our mother. She told him to go away, that she wasn't interested in him, but he kept coming. Then he started showing up in our house. My mom told me that the next time it happened, I should just back away as fast as I could and just don't go close to him. The stalker wanted my mom, but every time I'd back away, he'd walk closer. It was terrifying because he was following ME. Then, I just turned around and started running, and I was trying to find a place to hide and every door I would open, he'd already be there. Finally, I found this small cupboard under the air conditioner to hide in.
      I stayed there for a bit when suddenly the door opened. It was a girl. (Somehow, I was in the man's house at this point, but I don't know when that switch happened.) She was younger than the man, but she was still an adult. She was maybe around like 20. She told me not to worry because she knew what was happening, because she had seen it all before. The man turned out to be her brother, and he wasn't even really the one stalking my mom, it was actually her dad making him do it. She told me the story of her family, of how her younger brother, about my age, had been abused by their father and how the older one always did what he wanted and how she just tried to keep her head down. Then she helped me hide someplace better.
     Then, my sister started getting followed. The man said that it was because he knew that the best way to get at my mom would be to mess with her kids. He was right, because she got really pissed and rallied the whole neighborhood against him. He was thwarted.
     I started hanging out with the girl more. I went over to their house sometimes to get her and I started getting to know her younger brother a bit too. He rarely talked, though. Every time I'd be at their house, her dad would just stare at me. He never said a word, and never even seemed to really move much. He would just sit in his chair, watching me. Then, one day, I actually saw him hit the younger brother. It was really intense because he just said hi to me and then the father just jumped up and hit him really hard three times and then just sat back down, calm as ever. He didn't make a single sound, and the younger brother was left lying on the floor in front of me.
     I asked the girl, his sister, about going to the police, but she was adamant about the fact that there was nothing we could do. We went to the store where my sister worked to take her out to lunch, and I saw him at the next register over. I didn't dare to go over and talk to him. I didn't know what I'd say after what I witnessed. So we took my sister out to lunch, and I was trying to ask the girl about telling someone the problem again, and she kept saying no. My sister got really confused and wanted to know what was going on, and finally, the girl broke down and told the whole story. She seemed liberated afterward, and as we were walking out of the restaurant, we stepped onto a stage. There was a huge crowd in front of us. We were meant to tell the story to everyone. The girl still had a few reserves because she said I didn't know everything. She finally explained to me that it had never been about my mom. It had always been about trying to get me, and that her dad would give anything to have me. She said the only reason he hadn't done anything the many times I'd been to her house was because her younger brother had stood up for me to her dad every time he'd tried to plan my demise. She admitted that he liked me. So we stepped out onto the stage and told the story, and afterward there was a big thing like at church where people could come up and ask to get saved or ask to have someone pray for them, and it also involved people telling their own secrets. Some of my friends went down to do it, which was beautiful, because some of them had NEVER told ANYONE their secrets. There was a big baptizing sort of tank of water in front of the stage, and the older brother and the girl and a few other people stepped into it which was really good too, because it showed that they realized they had done horrible things in their lives. The only one who turned away was the father, who turned right into the arms of the police for child abuse.
     So that was the end of the good part. (There was a whole side story after that about how I got a part in an Oomie Zoomie movie, but whatever.) I got the guy, who was really cute and sweet and damaged, just the way I like them. I got a good friend in the girl. And everyone was dealt with.
      Honestly, the only reason I'm putting the dream here, is because I don't want to forget it... It was so... detailed.

I am so worthless.

Who am I to feel entitled to be loved? What right do I have to think I deserve anything?

Hopefully, no one will ever know.

I hope that no one realizes that I sit alone and cry almost every night.

It's really hard sometimes.

I have never been in love. I have never had a kiss. I have never held hands with someone who was anything more than a friend. I have never been in a true relationship, and I haven't even been in a fake relationship in years. I'm not even that old. I'm 16, almost 17.

I would give anything to have even a fling. I want someone who cares. Everyone in my life seems to have something that is meaningful to them. I know that people say I should be happy with who I am, without anyone else. People say that if you don't have anyone to date, you should "date" yourself and love yourself instead. People say that if you're secure with yourself, other people will notice and will be attracted to that. Why, then, does everyone else seem to have someone when they're not even happy?

I used to be pretty secure and have quite a bit of self-esteem. I started taking pictures of myself over and over until I found ways that they looked good so that I could feel good about myself. I was even happy. Now, it is slipping because I'm still not good enough. For anyone. It hurts so much to know that no one even bothers to see you. If someone would just give me the chance, I feel like I would give them so much love that they would never need anything or anyone else. I would literally ALWAYS be there for them, unless they didn't want me. But fuck if people want that. They say they do, but they turn it down every time anyway.

People make me want to do bad things to myself, even if it's just to see who will notice. No one does, anyway. I need someone to see me and to give me the chance.

I am not physically attractive. My friends try to tell me otherwise and you know what? It's more hurtful than helpful. I don't want someone to tell me that I'm perfect. I once had a HUGE crush on this really nice girl (who turned out to be a great friend for a year until she moved), and as my feelings grew for her, my friends got tired of me talking about her. They pointed out her flaws, and I just liked her more for them. I want someone to feel that way about me. I want someone to look at me and say, "She is so beautiful and loving on the inside that it makes up for her outside."

I just want to, once, be that person who can say, "I am so lucky to have found this."

It doesn't even have to be a lover, necessarily. I would even settle for a friend to love unconditionally. I just... I need SOMEONE to return the love. Too many people that I try to love put a wall up where they don't want a line to be crossed in the emotion, because then it's just too much. I need someone who can leave that wall away. I don't know how much longer I can survive without it.