It's really hard sometimes.

I have never been in love. I have never had a kiss. I have never held hands with someone who was anything more than a friend. I have never been in a true relationship, and I haven't even been in a fake relationship in years. I'm not even that old. I'm 16, almost 17.

I would give anything to have even a fling. I want someone who cares. Everyone in my life seems to have something that is meaningful to them. I know that people say I should be happy with who I am, without anyone else. People say that if you don't have anyone to date, you should "date" yourself and love yourself instead. People say that if you're secure with yourself, other people will notice and will be attracted to that. Why, then, does everyone else seem to have someone when they're not even happy?

I used to be pretty secure and have quite a bit of self-esteem. I started taking pictures of myself over and over until I found ways that they looked good so that I could feel good about myself. I was even happy. Now, it is slipping because I'm still not good enough. For anyone. It hurts so much to know that no one even bothers to see you. If someone would just give me the chance, I feel like I would give them so much love that they would never need anything or anyone else. I would literally ALWAYS be there for them, unless they didn't want me. But fuck if people want that. They say they do, but they turn it down every time anyway.

People make me want to do bad things to myself, even if it's just to see who will notice. No one does, anyway. I need someone to see me and to give me the chance.

I am not physically attractive. My friends try to tell me otherwise and you know what? It's more hurtful than helpful. I don't want someone to tell me that I'm perfect. I once had a HUGE crush on this really nice girl (who turned out to be a great friend for a year until she moved), and as my feelings grew for her, my friends got tired of me talking about her. They pointed out her flaws, and I just liked her more for them. I want someone to feel that way about me. I want someone to look at me and say, "She is so beautiful and loving on the inside that it makes up for her outside."

I just want to, once, be that person who can say, "I am so lucky to have found this."

It doesn't even have to be a lover, necessarily. I would even settle for a friend to love unconditionally. I just... I need SOMEONE to return the love. Too many people that I try to love put a wall up where they don't want a line to be crossed in the emotion, because then it's just too much. I need someone who can leave that wall away. I don't know how much longer I can survive without it.